Week 11: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Over the past month, I decided to take the high road in many of these posts. I tried to not be overly critical. I wanted to try to come across all warm and fuzzy. I wanted to be more like the Muppets and less like Sifl and Olly. (Crescent fresh!)

But that ends today! Being a nice guy might work for Justin Bieber and George Clooney, but they can go jump in a lake. They don’t own a fantasy team that has lost six games in a row after starting the year 4-0.

I’ve been mollycoddling my players for too long. They’ve become complacent and I need to show them who is in charge. DJ Hurricane, hit me with that bass:

Andy Reid: You are Rex Ryan, but without the mouth of a Florence football fan. (Go to a Maple Shade vs Florence football game and you’ll understand.) You are an overrated coach whose ego is only matched by your belly. You are so conceited that you thought this team could beat Arizona without DeSean Jackson, so you suspended him to prove a point.

There are high school teams that wouldn’t suspend a player for missing a meeting. Any other team would fine a guy for such an infraction. But to prove a point, you told him to stay home. Unfortunately, the rest of your team decided to stay home as well.

(Also, you just know that this team is going to somehow beat the Giants this Sunday night, making those losses to Chicago, Arizona and Buffalo just that much more painful)

DeSean Jackson: I’m not letting you off the hook either, small fry. Didn’t you see “Jerry Maguire”? How did Rod Tidwell earn his big contract? Not by skulking around like a sissy and alligator arming passes left and right. Put up or shut up. Now, partly due to you not playing last week, you are going to have Vince Young throwing you the ball. That should help your stats tremendously. Have fun playing for Cleveland next year. The grass is always greener, my friend.

Mike Shanahan: I’ve been Shanahan’d at least three times this season. The point has become clear: Shanahan hates fantasy football. Whatever he says during the week, you have to do the opposite. Heading into the game with Miami, he praised Roy Helu as if he had been drinking the blood of Earl Campbell. So obviously, nobody was surprised when Ryan Torain played the entire first half. Tashard Choice should be active for the first time this weekend. Shanahan has said Torain isn’t ready for a full workload. Add it up.

Indianapolis Colts: You are terrible, I get that. You have awful quarterbacks, but still a good receiving corps. You are going to lose every game no matter what you do. If I was Jim Caldwell, here would be my play call each and every time. ‘Okay, take a seven step drop and throw it as far as you can.’ Why the hell not? Maybe you’ll hit four or five in a game, maybe more. You’ve scored 27 points over the last four games. Is there a downside to this? Could you somehow be doing worse? Reggie Wayne, Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie. These guys didn’t turn into Na Brown overnight.

Tim Tebow: You completed just two passes against a horrendous KC defense and won. Aaron Rodgers completed two passes while sitting on the can this morning. I understand that you have won two in a row. But your own coach said this week “We decided that if Tim is going to be our guy, we can’t do that other crap.” That other crap is running an NFL offense. There is a reason that no teams run the option in the pros. Who will be the first coach to get the cajones to say ‘screw the pitch, just knock that guys lights out.’ It’s coming Timmy. You have been warned.

Lions, Bills, and Redskins: 10-2 combined over the first four weeks. 4-11 since. At least the Eagles stunk from the get go.

Packers Opponents: Not sure if you noticed or not, but the Packers like to throw the ball. A lot. Am I the only one that sees that they are a below average team running the ball as well as an average defense? Zero 100 yard rushers. One touchdown from a tailback. From a team that has been on the right side of some blowouts. Drop 8 guys back into coverage every single play! Dare James Starks to beat you.

49ers: Well on their way to earning at least the number 2 seed in the playoff, a first round bye and a home game in the divisional round. Which I can tell you right now, on November 16, they have zero chance of winning. Every year there is one. The Cowboys in 2007. The Titans in 2008. The Chargers in 2009. The Falcons in 2010. Each team finished 13-3 and a bye. And each team was one and done, embarrassed in front of their home fans. Bet the Niners in that divisional game. I flat out dare you.

Steve Smith: Remember how for a short while when people would say ‘the good Steve Smith’ and it meant the current stiff on the Eagles roster, not the stud in Carolina? From here on out, he will be known as ‘the coward Steve Smith’. Any of you who saw the Eagles game last week knows what I’m talking about. Third and long, Smith makes a catch just short of the marker and instead of putting his head down and working for the first down, he falls to the ground rather than take a hit. On Arizona’s next drive, I saw Larry Fitzgerald fight through three Eagles to make a first down in a similar situation. ‘The Coward Steve Smith’ should have been released on Monday.

Jay Cutler: I still despise you. I’m envisioning your face in my head and it makes me angry. My worst nightmare: Locked in a room with Jay Cutler with Dave Matthews music piped in and being forced to watch the hot garbage that is ‘Bridesmaids’ on a continuous loop.

Matt Schaub: I’ve held on to Andre Johnson in far too many leagues to have you go and ruin it for me. Lisfranc schmisfranc. Get your foot in a boot and your ass on the field. Andre don’t want no Matt Leinart throwing him the ball.

Owners Who Don’t Update their Lineups: Last but definitely not least. Kenny Britt has been out since week 3. Randy Moss isn’t even on an NFL team. I’d be lying if I said it takes five minutes to set a legal roster. It takes less than that. Unless you are in prison, outer space or Alabama, you have internet access. And if you’ve ever watched ‘Oz’, it’s possible you might have net access even when you are locked up. You might also be locked up with the ‘mayhem’ guy, but nevertheless. SET YOUR TEAM!

I feel better now, thanks.

Put 'Em In

QB: Carson Palmer at MIN: That was some major QB carnage last week. Palmer might still be out there on waivers and if so, this is the week to grab him. Vikes have given up 12 passing TD’s over their last 4 games.

RB1: Kevin Smith vs CAR: For deep leagues. The Lions found Smith selling newspapers at busy intersections in downtown Detroit. Two days later he passed Keiland Williams on the depth chart. (Time to find a new occupation Mr. Williams). Mo Morris is the only thing standing between Smith and a starting tailback job on a contending team. Mo Morris.

RB2: James Starks vs TB: If there is ever a game for Starks to break out, it might be this one. The Tampa defense hates opposing running backs. So much so that they don’t even want to make contact with them. 9 rushing touchdowns allowed in the last 5 weeks.

WR1: Damian Williams at ATL: Nate Washington has been the topic of debate all year long, but Williams is now the guy to own in Tennessee. Since week 4: Williams-38 targets, 4 TD’s. Washington-31 targets, 1 TD.

WR2: Steve Johnson at MIA: Time to buy low. Johnson has been crummy, scoring just once over the past 6 games and having yet topped 100 yards in a game this season. But the schedule opens up from here, starting with Miami this weekend. New England, Denver, and another game against Miami lie in wait.

WR3: Early Doucet at SF: Fitzgerald is obviously the stud, but Doucet has turned himself into a solid complement, even though you might not have noticed. TD’s in three of the last four games and averaging over 6 targets per game.

TE: Ed Dickson vs CIN: Gotta love how those tight ends just fall out of trees. 16 targets! Joe Flacco threw 16 balls Dickson’s way last week and he caught 10 of them. His 68 targets are 6^th most among all tight ends.

D/ST: Cowboys at WAS: The Redskins have scored 20 points in three weeks. Meanwhile, Dallas has allowed just 20 points since losing to the Eagles.

Take 'Em Out

QB: Matt Cassel vs his hand: Cassel is likely done for the year with a hand injury, which might actually be a good thing. It can’t get much worse. Take out the game against the putrid Colts and Cassel has a horrible 6:9 TD to INT ratio. Despite no running game, his single game high in yardage was 261. Good riddance.

RB1: Beanie Wells at SF: The numbers simply don’t lie. You can’t run on San Fran, though they have allowed the second most receptions by running backs (56). Since catching 4 balls in week one, Beanie has all of 2 receptions. Next week against St. Louis Beanie, I promise.

RB2: Chris Johnson at ATL: The Falcons are 2^nd only to the 49ers in rushing yards allowed by RB’s. Johnson’s coach Mike Munchak said the gold toothed one was close on several occasions last week to breaking the big one. Just like I was close to Scarlet Johansson when her plane flew over top of New Jersey on its way to New York.

WR1: Chad OchoCinco vs KC: Despite Cris Collinsworth slobbering all over him on Sunday night football, number 85 only had two balls thrown his way all night, compared to 9 to Branch, 8 to Welker, and 11 to Gronkowski. Listen to Chuck D and don’t believe the hype.

WR2: Darrius Heyward-Bey at MIN: At the end of week 7, Heyward-Bey had just wrapped up a 4 game stretch where he caught 22 balls for nearly 400 yards. Since then, he has zero and has only been thrown to once. I’m not sure what the former first round pick did to upset Coach Jackson, but it must have been something pretty bad.

WR3: Vincent Jackson at CHI: The Bears defense bends against wide receivers (128 receptions allowed, 2^nd most in the league), but they don’t break (4 touchdowns allowed by wideouts, 2^nd best in the league). And we know that it’s all about the TD’S!

TE: Dustin Keller at DEN: Since starting off the year with scores in each of the first two games, Keller has become mundane. 20 catches and zero scores in his last seven weeks. Blah. Broncos defend the tight end well, allowing third fewest points on average.

D/ST: Lions vs CAR: The Lions have been one of the best D/ST’s of the year, but consider this a fair warning. Their next three opponents (Carolina, Green Bay, New Orleans) all know how to put points on the board. You might want to have a backup plan until week 14 and the Vikings roll around.