Week 4 : How many ways can you spell ‘I hate you?’

Rearrange the letters in the words ‘tight end’ and see what you can spell.
Tight den. Tenth dig. Ted Night (Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice! also, I know his name is spelled with a ‘k.’)
I myself have come up with a new way to spell tight end. It is: I hate you with every fiber of my soul!
For the first time ever, I went for the big fish at tight end this year. When I said “Antonio Gates” in the fourth round, there were some gasps. Two burps, a fart and I’m pretty sure somebody fainted. (Though to be fair, he might have just been blacked out drunk.)
I never take a tight end early, always going for the value picks late in the day —the Owen Daniels and Visanthe Shiancoe’s of the world.
But this year, I wanted the best. I wanted the guy who could single handedly win you a week in PPR leagues. While I would be playing Gates and earning 30 points, my opponent was going to be stuck hoping that Heath Miller doesn’t put up a 2 for 23 week.
And what does my hubris give me in return?
One game, 74 yards and god only knows what next. Gates and his humongous feet are giving me a humongous migraine and I know that I’m not alone. The moral of this story is simple. Reaching at a position is for suckers. Take the best player available and move along.
If I would have stuck with my mantra, I could have had the likes of Dez Bryant, Santonio Holmes, Wes Welker or Ryan Matthews, each of whom was selected right after Gates and each of whom will wind up producing much more than him.
For now, I’m stuck hoping that Scott Chandler keeps playing over his head until Gates can get back on the field, though I’m pretty sure Chandler’s magic carpet ride is soon going to come to a screeching halt.
I hate you all.
Enough of the therapy session. On to this week’s plays.

Put ’em in
QB: Jason Campbell vs. NE: I’m scared to death to start Michael Vick this week, considering he’s played three games and only finished one of them. I could easily see Patrick Willis ripping out Vick’s spine this week, ala the Predator. That being the case, Campbell is a solid play at home against a vulgar Patriots secondary which has given up 1,163 yards through the air and six touchdowns in three games.
RB1: Kendall Hunter at PHI: Frank Gore is banged up and might not be ready to go, which is a shame because as we all know the Eagles run defense is soft like buttah’. Keep your eye on the injury report. If Gore can’t get over his ankle, Hunter is a start.
RB2: Daniel Thomas at SD: The Reggie Bush experiment is all but over. Thomas is the lead dog in Miami and rightfully so. Bush’s touches have gone from 20 to 7 to 12, while Thomas’ have gone from 0 to 19 to 26. Averaging 2.8 yards per carry will do that to you.
WR1: Jordy Nelson vs. DEN: Jordy deserves more love and more footballs thrown his way. Over the past two weeks, Denver has surrendered 300-yard passing days to Andy Dalton and Matt Hasselbeck. How many will Aaron Rodgers throw for?
WR2: Jabar Gaffney at STL: If some dude named Torrey Smith can light you up for 152 yards, than almost anybody can. Even Jabar and his wonky eye.
WR3: Mike Thomas vs. NO: Thomas looks like he is Blaine Gabbert’s favorite target as he looked for him eight times last week. Gabbert isn’t going to connect on many, but when he does, Thomas will be the beneficiary. Combine that with a filthy Saints secondary and you might have some fun this weekend.
TE: Brandon Pettigrew at DAL: I was going to say Leonard Pope, since the Vikings simply give it up to tight ends. But if Leonard Pope is on your roster, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. After stumbling out of the gates, Pettigrew erupted last week, hauling in 11 catches and being targeted an amazing 13 times. I know that everyone is head over heels in love with Sean Lee right now, but I think Pettigrew eats his lunch.
D/ST: Tampa Bay vs. IND: Indy gave it all they had for the national audience last week and still fell flat. TB has given up just 16 points over its last 6 quarters. This might be the last you ever see of Kerry Collins.

Take ’em out
QB: Eli Manning at ARI: Manning and the G-Men played an absolutely perfect game last week. I think this will be one of those Eli games that he has become famous for. Two or three awful interceptions and of course, the Manning face.
RB1: Chris Johnson at CLE: I’ve got to put CJ2K in here, as much as it pains me. I watched the entire Titans game last week (unfortunately) and Johnson is just not himself. He is slow to the hole and not making anybody miss. It’s like the Titans ownership paid him his millions in pennies and he’s carrying around all that loose change in his socks.
RB2: Felix Jones vs. DET: The Lions have yet to allow a 100 yard rusher (thanks Leslie Frazier) and Felix is still banged up. Jones had his best game of the year last week against the Redskins, but still couldn’t finish the game. Look for Ndamukong Suh to go to work on that shoulder, testing to see if it really is healthy or not.
WR1: Plaxico Burress at BALT: This isn’t a bad matchup for the Jets as it seems the only way to score on Baltimore is through the air. But my big concern is Santonio Holmes, who moaned about only getting two targets last week. More often than not, when a star receiver whines, coaches go out of their way to make them happy. I see Holmes getting the majority of the love this week. Maybe Plax can whine next week.
WR2: Kenny Britt at the Doctors Office: I specifically remember telling each of you last week to sell high on Britt. I hope you listened.
WR3: Torrey Smith vs. NYJ: Everyone fell off the wagon in love with Smith after his monster performance in week 3. But let’s not name him Jerry Rice Jr. just yet. First, Smith is hurt and might not make it on the field this week. Second, he is still stuck behind Lee Evans on the depth chart. Evans must have a deal with the devil, because despite being mediocre to lousy everywhere he goes, he still gets a starting gig. Lastly, these flashes-in-the-pans happen all the time. Put together more than one good game and we’ll talk.
TE: Scott Chandler at CIN: Despite being in a shootout against a crummy defense, Chandler was targeted just three times last week. The Bills just have too many weapons! Did you ever think you would hear that? Of course, if you are stuck with someone like, oh I don’t know…Antonio Gates! Then you take what you can get out of Chandler. I hate all of you.
D/ST: Eagles vs. SF: What a bunch of louses. This is gut check week for a defense that has been abused from the get go. Even St. Louis put up points on them and the Rams are flat out awful. Not sure if it is Juan Castillo or just a bunch of guys who don’t like contact, except with their paychecks. This defense is week in and week out ranked in the top 10 and I’m not sure why.
Suicide pool pick of the week: I’m on a roll! Of course if I was putting actual money on these picks, I’d have lost every one. 
I’ve given you Arizona, the Jets and the Chargers. While something is screaming at me to take Cincinnati, I don’t have the guts. Instead, let’s roll with Tampa at home against Indy. The Colts used everything they had to hang with Pittsburgh last week and it still wasn’t enough. Tampa is the play for week four